A LOCI Christmas Carol
by Metisse
Summary: Charles Dickens classic, butchered by me. BA shippy as usual. Blame Bill Murray's 'Scrooged' for giving me the idea to update the old classic.
1. Advice From A Friend

**Disclaimer: Same old stuff - I don't own them they belong to Dick Wolf.**

_A/N: In the spirit of the season, this plot bunny jumped into my head. I tried to stamp it out and kill it so I could continue Defining Moments and A Charmed Life but it had to be written so don't say I didn't try to spare you. Thanks to gorengal for the beta! _

**A LOCI Christmas Carol**

**Advice From a Friend**

As he made his way home on Christmas Eve, Bobby Goren tried his best to ignore the happy crowd of last minute shoppers and people running home to their loved ones with prettily-wrapped presents. It was the first Christmas since his mother died and he had nowhere to go. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Alex invited him to spend time with her family. But he just couldn't bring himself to be around a happy family right now. Especially one that wasn't his.

A cold wind whipped around him as a light snow fall began just as he arrived at his apartment building. He escaped the busy street into the relative calm of his building, feeling the quiet envelop him as the entrance door closed behind him. Even here he couldn't escape the holiday. Wreaths were hung on some doors and the scent of pine mixed with turkey, ham and other holiday food filtered out into the hall.

By the time he entered the sanctity of his apartment, Bobby felt bone weary and depressed. After he shed his coat and dropped his binder onto his desk, Bobby changed from his suit to gray sweats and checked his refrigerator to see if there was anything salvageable for dinner. He knew all he had was some left over Thai food, wilted lettuce and four bottles of beer. For a moment he considered ordering a pizza but decided he wasn't really hungry so he settled for a beer and some cheese crackers.

As he dropped onto his sofa and turned on the TV, he heard some neighbor's children running down the hall, squealing "Santa's coming, Santa's coming!"

_There's got to be some kind of psychological consequence to fooling your children into believing in an old guy in a red suit who encourages children to sit on his lap and tell them what they want most in the world. Christmas...bah humbug. _He chuckled as his channel surfing landed him on the George C. Scott version of 'A Christmas Carol' a second after the phrase entered his mind.

"It's better than 'A Wonderful Life' for the millionth time," he muttered to himself.

An hour later he started nodding off when his cell phone rang. For a moment he hesitated answering it but then thought hopefully it was Ross or Eames calling him out on a case. The caller ID said Eames Cell so that was promising.

"Yeah, what's up, Eames?" he replied, wondering how depressed he had to be for a potential homicide on Christmas Eve to make him feel better?

_"Hey Bobby, just wanted to let you know you're still invited to dinner tonight. My brother's partner and his wife will be here, too, so you won't be the only non-Eames here," said the cheerful voice of his partner._

"Uh...thanks, Alex, but I already ate and I think I'm just going to bed. It's been a long day."

_"For me, too, you know. But I understand. Tomorrow is still an option as well, Bobby. My family's Christmas celebration always include the entire neighborhood - and no, I'm not related to the entire neighborhood." _

Bobby chuckled despite himself. "Thanks, I'll think about it, all right?" He hoped he could placate Alex enough so she wouldn't continue to pester him. He appreciated her offer but this was his first Christmas without his mother and while there were holidays when she wasn't the most pleasant or lucid person to be around, she was his mother and he loved her.

_"All right. I know a brush off when I hear one. But I wish you would think about it. You shouldn't be alone on Christmas." _

"I'll be fine," he said, trying to sound convincing for both Alex's sake and his own. _Besides, I'm alone the rest of the year, why should tonight or tomorrow be any different?_

_"Merry Christmas despite yourself, Bobby."_

"You, too Alex." Bobby tossed his cell phone back on the coffee table and decided he'd had enough of those ghosts of Christmas. He turned off the TV and went to bed.

* * *

He was in the middle of a deep sleep when he was rudely awakened by the sound of his phone ringing. Once again, he found himself hoping he was being called out to a crime scene. _I must really be pathetic if I'm looking forward to working - especially in my line of work._

"Goren," he croaked into the phone.

_"Robert Goren?" an unfamiliar male voice asked. _

"Depends. Who wants to know?" Bobby asked warily.

_"Um, I'm Jack, a bartender here at Peter J's and there's a Mike Logan here who...well, he's not in any shape to get home and I..." _

"Logan?" Bobby was confused. Why would Mike Logan have someone call him to help? They got along great at work but they weren't exactly friends who hung out after hours. "How drunk is he? He lives just a few blocks from..."

_"Oh, he won't make it to the door let alone a few blocks." _

"How did he...I mean...why...oh fine. I'm on my way." Bobby groaned as he pulled himself out of bed, got dressed and made his way to Peter J's, Logan's favorite watering hole. _Why me? Why would Logan call me? It's not like he doesn't have any other friends. _ It was midnight by the time he got to the bar. Logan was seated at one end of the bar, nursing his drink.

"All right, what's going on, Logan?" Bobby demanded as he sat on the stool next to his colleague.

"Goren, what the hell are you doing here?" Logan asked, looking rather confused.

Bobby felt the last of his patience slip away. "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"

"I don't know, you tell me. I'm here all the time. This is the first time I've seen you here," Logan said in a tone that indicated he was just as annoyed as Bobby was. "So I'm the one who should be asking you what's going on?"

Covering his face with his hands, Bobby sighed. "Look Logan, you had the bartender call me to come get you because he said you were too drunk to..."

"He called you?" Logan looked over at the bartender who was oblivious to their conversation as he tended to customers at the other end of the bar.

Now Bobby was really confused. "Didn't you ask him to? I mean how else would he get my number or even know I exist?"

Logan reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a card and turned it over. "Great." He rubbed his eyes and groaned. "I wrote her number on the back of the card you gave me back when we worked on that prison guard case."

Bobby felt even more confused. "Logan, you're not helping. What are you talking about?"

Ignoring Bobby, Logan yelled for the bartender. "Hey, Jack!"

"Need a refill?" the affable Jack asked. "How about you, sir?" he asked Bobby.

"No, Jack. I wanted to ask you, what on earth made you think I wanted you to call this guy to come and rescue me? Didn't I say I was hoping to get lucky?" Logan pointed at Bobby.

Jack, who's curly blond hair made him look like he was all of twelve and much too young to be working in a bar, shrugged. "Hey man, I'm new here and for all I know...well...you know." He looked at Bobby and back at Logan. "It's none of my business which way you swing."

Logan blushed as Bobby started laughing. "Logan, I'm flattered but you're really not my type."

"Shut up, Goren," Logan muttered. He pointed at the phone number scribbled on the back of the card. "_That's_ the number I wanted to you call! The one with the name _Tanya_ above it! "

"Oh, well, I can call it now if..." Jack began.

"Forget it. Just another Christmas Eve I can spend by myself, thank you," Logan said as he tossed the card into an ashtray.

"If you wanted to spend Christmas Eve with someone, why didn't you go out with Tanya in the first place?" Bobby asked.

"She had a family gathering to go to. She invited me but I'm just not into the whole...I don't know. Happy families depress me sometimes." Logan finished off his drink and slapped his hand on the bar. "That's it for me, Jack. Thanks anyway." Logan dropped a ten on the bar. "And no hard feelings. Just don't tell anyone about this EVER."

Jack smiled. "No problem. Merry Christmas!"

Bobby followed Logan out to the street.

"So what were you doing that you could leave to come help my sorry ass out?" Logan asked.

"Sleeping."

"And I thought I was pathetic." Logan chuckled.

"You are pathetic. At least I wasn't trying to pull some bullshit stunt to get my girlfriend to spend the night with me." Bobby was feeling impatient and annoyed.

"So, speaking of girlfriends, where is Eames tonight?"

Now it was Bobby's turn to blush. "She's having dinner with her family...and she's NOT my girlfriend."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Goren." Logan smirked. "She did invite you to dinner and probably Christmas day with her family didn't she?"

"She was just being nice because she doesn't want me to spend Christmas alone. She's my _partner_, Logan."

"Oh so you've tried to make a move and she shot you down?" Logan persisted.

Bobby glared. "No! I'd never do that! It would be disrespectful and..."

"And you're going to tell me you've never even considered it?"

"It's none of your business, Logan. What's up with you and all these questions about my personal life?"

Logan waved his hand dismissively. "Like I said, tell yourself whatever you want but you're an idiot if you don't at least try it."

"Try what? Propositioning my partner?" Bobby stared at Logan in disbelief.

"No, try taking her up on her invitations and you might find your relationship can be more than just about work."

"First of all, none of this is your business. Second, why the hell do you care, Logan?"

Logan shrugged. "I don't really. But you seem like a decent guy, Goren. Sure you're a little unorthodox but you're always out to do the right thing and you deserve a lot better than to end up like me."

"Like you? How do figure I'm like you?" Bobby asked.

"You will be if you keep brushing off invitations to Christmas gatherings with someone who actually cares about you. If you push people away and isolate yourself and convince yourself that your life is better without all the complications of an actual relationship you'll find yourself pathetically trying to fool some poor girl into coming to rescue you from yourself," Logan explained bitterly.

"Logan, there is no way I'm anything like you. I..."

"Not yet, my friend, but you're well on your way." Logan pulled his collar up against the cold wind. "Do yourself a favor and consider taking Eames up on her offer. If you don't you'll wake up one day and find yourself heading for retirement, wondering what you're going to do with yourself and your lonely apartment when you don't have to go to work everyday."

"Is that what you think about, Logan?" Bobby asked, realizing he really didn't know much about Logan. He always assumed the man had some kind of active social life from the way he talked about dates he'd had. In retrospect Bobby realized he never spoke about the same woman more than twice. It did sound frustratingly familiar.

"A lot as of late, actually." Logan smiled sadly at Bobby. "Don't make the same mistakes I did, Goren."

Bobby shook his head. "You don't understand, Logan."

"Maybe not. But I know if I had an Alex Eames in my life, I wouldn't push her away." Logan turned to leave. "Just think about what I said."

Bobby watched Mike Logan walk away. _You really don't understand. My mother is gone and left me with the knowledge that my father may not be a drunken, womanizing, negligent father but a serial killer/rapist. Add to that Eames and I still aren't completely back in sync. I thought we were getting better but sometimes I just don't know..._

Stuffing his hands in his coat pockets, Bobby headed in the opposite direction for home.

**tbc...**


	2. A Visitor From The Past

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything. I'm just having fun with them.**

_A/N: Here's a familiar old face! Enjoy. Thanks to gorengal for the beta!_

**A LOCI Christmas Carol**

**A Visitor from the Past**

By the time Bobby returned to his apartment and his now cold bed, it was going on one o'clock in the morning. _Merry Christmas, Bobby. You're alone and miserable. Maybe Logan was right. _

He lay awake staring at the ceiling. Thoughts of his mother, his father, Brady - the man who might very well be his father, Frank, Alex and even Logan all jumbled together into an incoherent mess until he finally drifted off to sleep.

A loud banging noise woke Bobby from a sound sleep. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he tried to make out what the noise was. _Shit! Someone's knocking on my door!_ Leaping out of bed and running down the hall Bobby hoped it wasn't an emergency. Looking out of the peephole, he was surprised to see Captain Jim Deakins.

Bobby threw open the door. His heart was racing and his mind was quickly going over all the reasons his old captain would be at his apartment at this time in the morning. "Captain! What's going on?"

"Calm down, Bobby. You look like you've seen a ghost." Deakins smiled and calmly walked past Bobby into his apartment.

"What...why are you here? Something...I mean...you...it's got to be...what time is it anyway? I don't...understand..." Bobby stared at Deakins feeling quite confused and disoriented.

Deakins sat on Bobby's sofa and looked around the cluttered apartment. "Don't you even get a small tree or a wreath for your door or something? It's Christmas, after all."

"Captain! What's going on? Why are you...here?" _Alex...something happened to Alex and he's here to tell me...but why would he...wouldn't Ross...or her sister or father or..._

"Relax Bobby. Alex is fine. She's home fast asleep after having spent a nice evening with her family. She would have had a nicer time if you had accepted her offer and joined her." Deakins stood up and wandered over to the window.

"Captain..." Bobby began.

"I'm not your Captain anymore, you know. You can call me Jim or Jimmy." Deakins smiled and leaned against the window sill.

If it had been anyone else standing in front of him, Bobby would have grabbed him by the lapels and demanded an explanation. But this was his old captain. Someone he respected and felt a loyalty to even now that he was no longer his boss.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself Bobby tried to overcome his uneasiness. Why would Captain Deakins be visiting him on Christmas Eve? Heck, it was Christmas Day if you wanted to be technical about it.

"I don't mean to be rude, but it's..." Bobby glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's almost two o'clock in the morning. What are you doing here?"

Deakins smiled and walked over to Bobby and placed a paternal arm around his shoulders. "Bobby, I'm here to help save you from yourself."

"Ex...excuse me?" Bobby stared at his former captain in disbelief.

"You know, Logan was right. If you don't watch out you're going to wake up one day and find yourself dreading retirement because you won't know what to do if you don't have a job to go to everyday." Deakins removed his arm from Bobby's shoulders and walked over to the bookcase that took up an entire wall of Bobby's livingroom.

"Captain, I don't understand. What does any of this have to do with Logan?" Bobby was starting to get incredibly annoyed. _Did Logan put the captain up to this? Wait, that makes no sense! Deakins wouldn't be doing this! What's going on here?_

Deakins was reading titles of books, looking very impressed.. "Like I said, call me Jimmy. I'm not your captain anymore. And no, Logan has no idea I'm here," he said over his shoulder. "Great collection. Literature, science, history, medical, cultural...nice library you got going here, Bobby. Impressive."

Staring at Deakins in disbelief, Bobby felt his patience running out. "What are you doing? Don't you have...your family? I mean what...what are they doing? And why are you here?"

Apparently unperturbed by Bobby's confusion and irritation, Deakins put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the book shelf. "You know, Bobby, these books are great to keep your mind occupied but don't you ever get lonely? I mean, look. Here you are all alone on Christmas eve and you don't have to be."

"What?" Bobby was still trying to figure out exactly what was going on. "You came here to...to lecture me about...what? Turning down Eames' invitation? Did she...call you or something? Did you run into her downtown or...I...this is just nuts!"

Calmly smiling at Bobby, Deakins shook his head. "No, actually. The last time I saw any of you - Logan, Alex and you - was at your mother's funeral."

"Then what the hell are you doing here?" Bobby realized he was yelling but he was confused, tired and depressed enough without having his former captain lecture him about his choice of spending Christmas alone.

"No need to be upset. I'm just here to remind you that you have options now. Sure, most of the holidays you had as a child were horrible...but you aren't a child anymore. Well, let's take a look at the root of your problem, Bobby." Deakins moved back to the couch and grabbed Bobby's remote. He turned on the television.

"Are you crazy?" Bobby asked, staring at Deakins as if he were an alien with two heads.

Ignoring Bobby's last question Deakins began to channel surf. "Ah, here's something interesting."

Bobby looked at the television screen and saw himself at age seven. He was sitting with Frank, who was ten at the time, in the living room by the Christmas tree. Bobby recalled their mother locked herself in her room, screaming that 'they' were going to get her. Their father decided he didn't want to deal with it, so he went out with one of his girlfriends and didn't come home. That left the two brothers to spend Christmas alone.

_"Santa didn't come," Bobby said sadly. _

_"That's because our parents were bad," Frank replied, at age ten already sounding like the bitter young man he would later become. _

_Bobby looked at Frank. "But we were good! I tried to be!"_

_"Bobby, there is no Santa. Dad is supposed to be Santa but he's too busy doing something else to be worried about us." Frank stood up. "And Mom's just nuts." He looked down at his little brother. "I'm gonna go make us something to eat."_

_Bobby started crying. _

Staring at the scene Bobby felt tears welling up in his eyes. "Stop it!" He looked at Deakins. "Where did you get that? What the hell is going on here?"

"Not fond of that year, huh? I don't blame you." Deakins changed the station. "How about when you were fifteen?"

On the television screen, Bobby sat with his mother at the psychiatric hospital she was in at the time. It was Christmas and she didn't even realize it. Frank had abandoned the family and she suffered a psychotic break. Now she was drugged and completely unaware of what was going on. Bobby had been placed in foster care because no one could find his father.

_"Hey, mom," Bobby said as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Merry Christmas."_

_Frances Goren was staring at her son as if he were a stranger and said nothing. _

_"I brought you a present." Bobby began to unwrap the present for her. "I know you were complaining about your old one." It was a red flannel bathrobe. _

_Frances looked at it and still said nothing. _

_"I can't stay too long, Mom. But I want to. I'm sorry..." Bobby took her hand in his and fought back tears._

_Frances finally looked at Bobby with what seemed like recognition but her words broke Bobby's heart. "Frank! I knew you would come."_

Watching the scene unfold, Bobby felt the pain run through him just as it had that day. Even then she always wanted Frank. Glaring at Deakins, Bobby attempted to grab the remote from his hand but the captain proved to be quicker.

"All right, all right, here's a happy one for you," Deakins said, changing the channel once more.

This time the scene was outside Alex's sister's house. They had wrapped up a case and Bobby was dropping her off at the family gathering.

_Alex hopped out of the SUV and handed the keys to Bobby. "Thanks for dropping me off. I'd never get here in time if I had to return the SUV and get my car."_

_Bobby smiled. "Not a problem. I'm not going to see my mom until tomorrow."_

_"Hey, come on, you can have dinner with us!" Alex offered. She grabbed his elbow and pulled him along after her._

_"Uh...well, they're not expecting me and...I...I don't want to intrude..." Bobby stammered._

_"Don't be silly, we always end up with more people than expected. Neighbor kids, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners all pop in unexpectedly." Alex grinned at him. "Seriously. This year one of my dad's old partners and his wife are joining us. Their kids won't be here until tomorrow so they're spending Christmas Eve with us." _

_"Ah...thanks, but..."_

_Grabbing his hand firmly with both of hers, Alex pulled a reluctant Bobby towards the front door._

_"Eames, I can't...I..." _

_The front door burst open and a two year old came flying down the steps towards them. _

_"Aunty Lexi!" Alex's nephew called out. _

_Alex laughed and grabbed him up in her arms. "Hey, how's my little guy?"_

_On the front porch, Alex's sister Vicky smiled and waved them in. "I see you brought company," she said, smiling at Bobby. "I bet you're Bobby Goren?"_

_"Ah...well...I was just..."_

_"Come on Goren, move it!" Alex ordered, pushing him ahead of her._

_Despite his protests Bobby was dragged into the house and there he was, amidst a family of happy Eameses and their many friends. It was a bit overwhelming at first but as he watched Alex interact with them, he started to feel relaxed and happy. She seemed almost like a different person. She smiled and laughed and hugged everyone and even gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek when he finally left after dinner. That alone was worth it. Alex rarely touched anyone at work. _

_He got into the SUV and waved to a smiling Alex and her nephew as he drove away, feeling happier than he ever had during Christmas. _

Bobby blinked as the happy scene disappeared. Again he glared at Deakins. "What the hell is this supposed to be about?"

Instead of answering him, Deakins changed the channel yet again. This time the scene was Bobby and his mother at the hospital last year. She was weakened and tired from her chemo treatments, and barely able to eat.

_"At least have some tea, Mom." Bobby offered her a cup as she lay back on the hospital bed. _

_Frances pushed his hand away. "I'm sick of tea. I don't even like it."_

_"Mom..."_

_"I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm just tired...so tired." Frances closed her eyes. "Maybe tomorrow will be better. Do you think Frank will come to visit? It's Christmas..."_

_"I haven't heard from him. But I can try and call him if you want." _

_Frances opened her eyes. "I guess this is more serious than I thought if you're willing to actually speak to your brother."_

_"Mom, it's..."_

_"Don't try to sugar coat it, Bobby. I'm crazy, not stupid. I know I'm dying."_

_Bobby grabbed his mother's hand. "No, Mom, you have to fight it. You're strong, you can survive this...we can try..."_

_"It's all right you know. I'm quite ready to go if it's my time." Frances smiled wearily. "I know it's going to be harder on you than on me. Though why you want to hang on to your crazy old mother is beyond me."_

_"I love you, Mom," Bobby said simply, trying his best to keep the tears from his eyes._

_"I'm not giving up yet, Bobby. I'm just so tired." Frances gave her son's hand a squeeze. "Maybe we can do this tomorrow instead...or do you have to work?"_

_Bobby shook his head. "No, I don't."_

_"That's what you said at Thanksgiving." Frances closed her eyes again. "And then you had to run off to work."_

_A pang of guilt shot through Bobby. "I know, but I made sure they understood I can't be there this time."_

_"Then let's do this tomorrow. We'll open presents and maybe I'll feel like eating something." _

_"Sure, whatever you want." Bobby kissed his mother on the forehead. "Goodnight, Mom." _

_The scene faded to black as Bobby left the hospital. _

Turning the television set off, Deakins tossed the remote onto the coffee table. "So, there you have it. All those miserable holidays, with one exception."

Anger and indignation rose inside of Bobby as he stared at Deakins, who was looking at him as if he were some kind of an idiot. "So what the hell are you? My subconscious mind trying to torture me?"

Deakins sighed. "Bobby, you don't have to be miserable like this. You're so used to Christmas being an awful time you forget that it can be a good time as well."

"Do you think I _want _to be miserable?" Bobby asked, wondering what he might have ingested that would give him this kind of nightmare.

"No, I just think you've spent so much time being miserable at Christmas you're used it and you're not even considering the alternatives." Deakins stood up and patted Bobby on the shoulder. "You're a good man, Bobby. You deserve better than this and you have options. If you don't watch out, you'll wake up one day and find those options are gone."

"What options? Inflicting myself on my partner's family?" Bobby asked bitterly.

"For a man many consider to be a genius, you sure can be stupid sometimes, Goren." With that, Deakins headed for the door.

"That's it? That's all you've got?" Bobby asked, feeling very unsettled.

Pausing at the door, Deakins nodded. "That's it for me. It's been nice seeing you again, Bobby. I wish I could stay longer but my time is up." With a wave, he was gone.

Bobby immediately ran to the door and pulled it open. Looking out into the hall he saw no sign of Deakins or anyone else. If Deakins really had been here, he wouldn't have been able to make it to the elevator or the stairwell that quickly.

Closing the door and locking it securely behind him, Bobby pinched himself and yelped. _This has got be a dream._ Rubbing his face with his hands he returned to bed, hoping the rest of the night would be more peaceful.

**tbc...**

_A/N: Bobby's gonna start missing Deakins a lot in the next chapter. LOL _


	3. The Annoying Visitor from the Present

**Disclaimer: Same old stuff - I don't own them they belong to Dick Wolf.**

_A/N: For the purposes of this story, the Untethered episode hasn't happened yet. And of course I couldn't resist the Ross/Rodgers reference now that we KNOW they're an item. :-D Thanks to gorengal for the beta. _

**A LOCI Christmas Carol**

**The Annoying Visitor from the Present **

Despite his agitation at Deakins' visit, Bobby managed to quickly fall back to sleep. It was a deep, dreamless sleep that was rudely interrupted once again by his phone ringing.

Groping his nightstand in the dark, Bobby knocked his lamp over as he tried to find his phone. Cursing under his breath he found the phone and answered it without checking the caller ID. "What?" he growled.

_"Goren?" his current captain inquired. _

"Ah...yeah, sorry Captain, I thought you...I was expecting someone else." Bobby apologized. _Great. Now that I just want to sleep I get called out to a crime scene._

_"Sorry to disappoint you, detective," Ross said with his usual sarcasm. _

Grabbing the lamp off the floor, Bobby placed it back on the nightstand and turned it on. "Hang on, Captain, let me just get a pen and some paper," he began as he opened the nightstand drawer.

_"You won't need that," Ross interrupted. "I think you can find your way without notes."_

Once again, Bobby's mind started racing. _Oh God, not an accident...not Alex? Did Frank finally end up dead in a ditch somewhere? _ "What happened?" he asked, selfishly praying it was someone else's tragedy Ross was calling to inform him about and not his own.

_"Just get downstairs and I'll explain. I'm waiting in front of your building." Ross replied._

Bobby's anxiety was replaced by confusion. "Downstairs? But..."

_"Detective, no one is hurt or dead so just hurry, I don't have all night." Ross said tersely and promptly hung up. _

Bobby hurriedly threw on his sweats and sneakers, grabbed his coat and made his way downstairs. In front of his building he found Ross waiting for him in the SUV he and Eames used at work. A light coating of snow covered the roads and sidewalk._Ross better not be lying about no one being hurt or dead. Alex should be here, not him._

As soon as he climbed into the passenger seat, he turned to Ross. "So what's going on? Where's Eames?"

"We'll see her later. Right now we're going to check on your brother." Ross pulled the SUV out onto the road.

"My brother? Is he all right? What happened to him?"

"Don't worry, Detective, your brother is fine." Ross replied.

"Then why are we going to see him? Is he in jail?"

"You worry too much, Goren."

"I...you...you show up at my apartment at...whatever ungodly hour it happens to be now, and you expect me to...to not be worried?" Bobby glared at Ross. _What is his problem with me now? I thought we were getting along a lot better this year and now he pulls this crap._

Ross smirked. "Deakins told me you were in a bad mood."

Bobby blinked. "Deakins?" His eyes narrowed as he observed his captain. "You spoke to Deakins tonight?"

"Look, believe it or not I'm not here to harass you." Ross said as he pulled into the parking lot of a church.

"Really? Well you could have fooled me." Bobby felt that same agitation he did when Deakins was at his apartment. _I'm dreaming again. I have to be! Same damn dream with another captain. I'm never watching another stupid Christmas movie again._

"Come on, Detective. You'll thank me later," Ross hopped out of the SUV and looked expectantly at Bobby who sat with his arms folded in front of him, refusing to get out of the vehicle. "Goren, I told you I don't have all night."

"Neither do I!" Bobby remained in the SUV, staring straight ahead. "I want to get some sleep!"

Ross slammed his door shut, went around to the passenger side of the vehicle and pulled Bobby's door open. "Look, this is _your_ dream. If I had my way, I'd be involved in someone else's much more 'fun for me' kind of dream than your 'I'm so depressed' dream."

"_My_ dream?" Bobby asked incredulously. "You think if this were _my_ dream I'd want _you_ here?"

Ross chuckled. "I never would have guessed it either, Detective. But here we are and if it's not a dream, then I'm still your captain so I'm no longer asking you to get out, I'm ordering you."

_Deakins was much nicer._ Bobby reluctantly pulled himself out of the SUV and followed his current captain into the church.

"Just because Deakins didn't yell at you as much as I did doesn't mean you didn't irritate him as much as you irritated me last year," Ross said over his shoulder.

Bobby glared at the back of Ross' head._Bite me..._he thought just to annoy the captain.

"How old are you, Goren? Just let's get this over with, shall we?" Ross smiled tightly as he held the door open for Bobby. "After you."

Bobby was now entering disconcerting territory. _If this isn't a dream then I've lost my mind. _

"Not yet but if you keep this up you might," Ross said, making his way past him and once again taking the lead.

"This isn't fair!" Bobby exclaimed. "Stop doing that!"

Ross sighed. "Detective, this will be over shortly, please stop whining. You didn't give Deakins this much of a problem."

"That's because Deakins had the decency to let me stay in my warm apartment and watch the television instead of dragging me out into the cold night." Bobby no longer believed he was awake and decided if it was his dream, he would address his captain as he saw fit.

"I'll pass that information along then. Now come on." Ross opened a door that led to a brightly lit soup kitchen. It was crowded and filled with the homeless and the volunteers who gathered to help them out.

Bobby's heart sank. _Frank must have fallen off that wagon again...how many times, Frank? One day you're not going to get back up again._ Bobby looked at the crowd gathered at tables having their Christmas meal. Once again the smell of turkey and ham assaulted his senses as he followed Ross through the crowd.

They arrived at the table where the meal was being served by the volunteer church members. Bobby walked into the back of Ross as he continued to search the crowd for Frank.

"You're looking in the wrong place, Detective." Ross pointed to the volunteer who was carving the ham.

"Frank!" Bobby said in surprise. The last place he expected to see his brother was volunteering at a soup kitchen. Frank was smiling and kindly serving slices of ham to the people in line. He didn't seem to notice Bobby standing a few feet away.

"Surprising isn't it?" Ross said. "Seems even your brother is having a better Christmas than you are."

The priest of this particular parish approached Frank and put a hand on his shoulder. "Frank, it's been great having you here. You've been a life saver."

"It's the least I can do after all the help I got from you," Frank replied.

"I can take over here if you like. If you have family to get back to..." the priest began.

"Nah, my family...they're...they probably don't want to...I mean..."

The priest smiled kindly. "I understand. Sometimes it takes a while for all old wounds to heal."

Bobby started to feel rather uncomfortable. _Some wounds never heal. He didn't even come to Mom's funeral! _"So you're fooling these people now, too, Frank?"

He can't hear or see us, Detective," Ross informed him. "It seems your brother has learned to overcome his difficulties," Ross said as he observed Bobby's reaction to seeing his brother offering help to others instead of taking from them.

"He's overcome his difficulties before - many times before he fell again. I give it a month," Bobby said angrily. "I don't need to see anymore. I'm not buying his act and I'm not talking to him."

"You're not listening to me. I said he can't see or..." Ross began.

"Yeah, yeah he can't see or hear us and you're the result of some weird indigestion I had from those stale cheese crackers," Bobby muttered.

Ross chuckled. "Indigestion? Oh come on. Here I thought we were getting along so much better lately." Ross led a sulking Bobby out of the church and back to the SUV.

They drove in silence through the snow covered streets. Bobby stared out of his window, doing his best to ignore Ross. When the SUV came to a stop, Bobby looked around in surprise. "This isn't my apartment building," he said, glaring at Ross.

"No, it isn't." Ross smiled at Bobby and once again got out of the SUV without any explanation. They were parked in front of a brightly lit house with cars lining the driveway.

Ross looked expectantly at Bobby. "Let's go, Goren. After this stop you're rid of me."

That was enough incentive to get Bobby out of the SUV. He followed Ross up the walkway to the house, hoping this stop wouldn't be as upsetting as his last. _I must be one warped individual if I'm conjuring Ross as a tour guide to Christmas._

"You probably like me more than you think," Ross said with a smile as he opened the door and let Bobby lead the way into the large living room filled with people. The living room held a seven-foot-tall Christmas tree decorated with red and green ornaments. Several presents were under the tree, and children were laughing while trying to guess the contents of each package.

Looking around Bobby recognized some faces but couldn't quite place them. Just as he was about to ask Ross where they were, he saw Alex's sister Vicky enter the

room from what appeared to be the kitchen. She was looking for someone and was obviously frustrated at not finding them. She approached a couple who Bobby now recognized as Alex's older brother and his wife. Alex's brother pointed towards the hallway.

"This is Alex's family?" he asked Ross.

"Her parent's house," Ross replied. "You spent a Christmas Eve with them once, right?"

Bobby nodded. "It was at her sister's house." He looked around the room and couldn't see Alex anywhere. "Where's Alex? She should be here."

"Follow her sister," Ross instructed.

Bobby watched Vicky push her way out of the room. Ross and Bobby followed her as she entered a small bedroom at the end of the hall.

Alex was there, sitting on the bed staring out the window at the lightly falling snow.

"Hey Alex, we're going to open presents soon," Vicky informed her little sister as she sat next to her on the bed. "What's up with you? You've been pretty gloomy all day."

Smiling at Vicky, Alex shrugged. "I'm just tired."

"Come on, it's me you're talking to." Vicky put an arm around Alex's shoulders. "I know you better than that. Christmas usually energizes you, especially when it comes to Nathan. He's been wondering where Aunty Lexi is all day. You two are usually inseparable."

"I'm sorry, is he looking for me now?" Alex asked as she tried to get up.

Vicky pulled her back down. "No, he's napping now. But it would be nice if you could go get him so we can all open presents together."

"Sure!" Alex said enthusiastically, once again trying to make her escape.

Once gain, Vicky pulled her back and held her firmly in place. "Alexandra Eames, you will stop trying to avoid the issue right now."

Alex sighed. "There is no issue! You're making things up in your head."

"So you're depressed?" Vicky asked, proving she was just a stubborn as her sister.

"Wouldn't you be depressed if you were me?" Alex finally snapped as she pulled away from Vicky. She went over to the window and stared out at the falling snow.

Vicky blinked in surprise. "I have no idea. You've been...distant for a while now, Alex. Dad mentioned it to me last week. He's worried about you. We all are."

"I'm just tired, Vicky." Alex said in a more subdued tone.

"You're always tired these days, sis." Vicky joined Alex at the window. "Come on Alex, we used to be able to talk about everything."

"Did we? I don't recall talking to you about serial killers or rage killings, cops who blow their brains out in front of their own families or any of those things."

"Is that it? Work? It's finally getting to you?" Vicky asked.

Alex smiled sadly as she shook her head. "No, actually. Work is the only thing I've got going for me right now. That's my life, Vicky. Murderers, liars, thieves and other ne'er-do-wells."

"I don't understand. That doesn't make you depressed?"

"Not really. It angers me. But sadly it gives me a reason to exist. The only reason."

"Alex! How can you say that? You've got us! Your family! What about Nathan?"

"I love Nathan. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. But he's not mine."

"But you..." Vicky began.

"I'm not trying to make you feel horrible, Vicky. I'm really not. But do you know how frustrating it is to get together with your family and be the only one..." Alex's voice cracked and she took a moment to compose herself. "The only one without a husband or children of my own? Hell, I don't even have a boyfriend. I can't even get my partner from work to...I mean he would rather sit home alone and depressed than spend..." Alex quickly wiped away a tear. "Than spend time with me."

"No! That's not..." Bobby began.

Ross put a hand on his arm. "She can't see or hear you, remember?"

"This is my dream! I want to stop this. I want to talk to her!" Bobby yelled.

"You can't," Ross stated simply as Bobby glared at him.

Vicky pulled Alex in to a hug. "Oh come on, honey, you know he's had a bad year, too."

"I know. But it still hurts. I know things have been awkward with us lately but I thought maybe this year he would finally stop pushing me away. I guess some things never change."

"Give it time, Alex. Either he'll come around or he won't. You can only do so much. And if he doesn't come around, it's his loss. Some people are just bound and determined to be miserable."

"I am not!" Bobby exclaimed indignantly.

Vicky took Alex's hand and pulled her towards the door. "Come on, stop brooding about your partner and let's go get Nathan. You can't do anything about Bobby but you can make Nathan one very happy little boy."

The two sisters left the room hand in hand as Bobby felt his heart break. _I didn't mean to hurt her. I just didn't think I'd be good company for her. She deserves to be with her family. She deserves to be happy._

"It's not just her family that makes her happy," Ross said as he also headed for the door. "Time to go, Goren."

"No, how do I fix this? I need to talk to Eames." Bobby followed Ross out the door but kept looking around for Alex.

"You can't do anything about it now. You should have just taken her up on her offer." Ross was practically running out the front door.

"Then what is the purpose of bringing me here?" Bobby asked as he tried to keep up.

"To show you that you don't always know what's best," Ross replied as he hopped back into the SUV. "Now come on, we're going to be late."

"Late? For what?" Bobby asked without really wanting to know.

"You'll find out at the appropriate time." Ross gave Bobby a genuine smile. That frightened Bobby more than the sarcasm and smirks.

The drive back to his apartment was made in silence. Bobby stared out the window at the snow that kept falling.

Ross pulled up in front of Bobby's apartment building and seemed to be in a hurry to get rid of him. "Here you are, safe and sound. Now get out."

Bobby glared at Ross. "What is your problem with me?"

"I told you, I'm behaving like you expect me to. It's your own fault! Now get out! I have to get to another dream and that one is a lot more fun than this one."

Bobby smirked. "I didn't know M.E. Rodgers had dreams like that."

Ross blushed crimson. "Just get out and you'll be rid of me for the rest of the evening," he said as he avoided looking at Bobby.

Bobby got out of the SUV and watched Ross drive off. _Ross and Rodgers...nah...it must be my imagination._

He felt the exhaustion in his bones as he finally stepped off the elevator on his floor. As he turned towards his apartment, he saw someone standing in front of his door. A feeling of dread came over him as he cautiously approached.

The figure was wearing a heavy black coat with the collar turned up and a black hat. He or she was facing the door to Bobby's apartment.

"Ah...excuse me..." Bobby said hesitantly.

The figure slowly turned to face him.

**tbc...**


	4. A Frightening Look at the Future

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns all things LOCI. I'm just borrowing. I promise to return all characters unharmed - mostly. Maybe a little shaken up but nothing to scar them permanently like oh, shall we say Untethered? **

_A/N: This one gets more serious but then we do have to scare Bobby out of his isolation. ;-) Thanks again to gorengal for her marvelous beta work. _

**A LOCI Christmas Carol**

**A Frightening Look at the Future**

Bobby stared in disbelief as he saw the solemn face of ADA Ron Carver standing before him. Carver nodded. "Nice to see you again, Detective," he said with his mellifluous voice. "I've been waiting for you."

Bobby felt a knot in his stomach. _Just like old times. Carver had a way of being incredibly intimidating. _ "Ah...Mr. Carver, wh...what...why..."

"Surely you've figured this out by now?" Carver said. He favored Bobby with a smile.

Coming from anyone else it might have been reassuring, but from Carver it just made Bobby more nervous. "You...you're going to show me...my...my future?"

"Very good, Detective." Carver stepped aside and gestured at Bobby's apartment door. "After you."

_If this is a damn dream why can't he open the door?_ Bobby pulled his keys out of his pocket.

Carver smiled again. "I'm just trying to maintain a sense of decorum."

Bobby unlocked the door and stepped inside. "Movie time again?" he asked as he saw Carver settle on his couch.

"No, but I was told you aren't fond of being dragged all over New York City on Christmas Eve so we're staying right here." Again, Carver smiled. "I must say it's good to see you again, Detective. Especially now that I finally know something you don't."

Bobby recalled at least two incidents where he made an end run around the ADA, and in both cases, Carver was livid. Suddenly he discovered he now missed Ross. "So...what now?" he asked timidly.

"It's time to take a look at the consequences of your self-imposed isolation," Carver replied.

"It's not self-imposed!" Bobby yelled once again. "My mother passed away, my brother fell of the wagon, my father may or may not be a serial killer/rapist and Eames seems to always be upset at me!"

Carver raised a brow. "Really? So she invites you to spend Christmas with her because she's upset with you?"

"No! She...she feels sorry for me!"

"So her confession to her sister that she was upset because you weren't there told you nothing?" Carver leaned back on the sofa. "I thought you were much brighter than that, Detective."

"I _thought_ she felt sorry for me. I didn't know...she really wanted my company."

Carver shrugged. "You're not making a very good case for yourself. You just admitted your isolation is self-imposed. You declined Detective Eames' invitation. You didn't have to be alone."

"Fine! You win! Now what have you got for me?" Bobby asked, his anger successfully subduing his fear.

Carver smiled. "All right." He stood up and moved next to Bobby. Suddenly the walls of his apartment dissolved and they were standing in a dark alley. A short distance away, Bobby could make out two figures hovering over something.

"What's going on?" he asked nervously.

"Let's find out." Carver motioned for him to go ahead.

Preparing himself for the worst, Bobby slowly proceeded down the alley towards the two figures. As they drew closer he could make out what it was they were hovering over. It was another figure lying on the ground. They were going through his pockets. Bobby felt a lump in his throat. He knew who it was without even looking. Taking a deep breath he looked down and stared into the cold, dead eyes of his brother Frank. He was much older but Bobby could still recognize him.

The taller of the two men who were going through Frank's pockets pulled out a worn and creased snapshot. It was a picture of Bobby and Frank when they were children. Frank had his arm around Bobby's shoulders. It was the same picture their mother had sitting on the nightstand in her room.

"Must be Frank and his kid brother," the other man said as he looked at the photo, which was promptly returned to the pocket from which it came.

"He had a brother?" the taller man asked.

"Yeah, but they weren't on speaking terms. Guess Frank finally got on his brother's last nerve. He hasn't seen him in years."

"His gloves look kind of new." The man pulled off his gloves and put them in his own pockets.

"Hey! Put that back!" Bobby yelled.

Carver touched his arm. "Remember..." he began.

"I know! He can't hear or see us," Bobby said angrily.

"Think we should tell somebody?" The shorter man asked.

The taller man shrugged. "Nah, tomorrow is garbage day in this neighborhood. Someone will find him then. I don't want anyone to know where the gloves came from."

Both men stood up and looked at their fallen friend one more time before they turned and left.

"What is the purpose of showing me this?" Bobby yelled at Carver. "It doesn't make any difference if we spoke until the day he died because he wouldn't have changed! It's not my fault! He was a drug addict. I'm amazed he didn't kill himself with drugs years ago!"

"He died of exposure, Detective. He wasn't taking drugs anymore. Frank did fall off the wagon a few more times after you last saw him, but he finally managed to get clean," Carver informed him.

"Then why is he lying dead in an alley?"

"He was homeless and he was suffering from Alzheimer's. He got confused and wandered off. This is where he lay down when he was too tired to continue wandering the streets to find the shelter."

Bobby felt the sting of tears as he gazed down at his brother's face. _Damn it, Frank. How did we get to this place? I was so angry at you. I resented you. But I never wanted you to die like this. _

After a few moments, he felt Carver's hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Detective, but we must move on."

As Bobby followed Carver out of the alley, the buildings dissolved once again and they were now standing on the porch of a brightly decorated house. Colorful lights were strung up around the windows. In the large picture window Bobby could see a tall Christmas tree decorated with blue and silver ornaments. Suddenly the front door burst open and several young children came running out the door into the snow-covered yard where they began the task of building a snowman.

"Where are we?" Bobby asked.

"The home of Detective Eames' nephew, Nathan," Carver said. "Let's join the festivities, shall we?" He held the door open for Bobby. "After you, Detective."

As they stepped into the middle of another happy Eames family Christmas, Bobby immediately searched the room for Alex. While there was no sign of Alex, he did recognize her sister Vicky who held a curly-headed child. She laughed and handed the child to a blond young man who looked very familiar.

"That would be her nephew," Carver answered his unasked question.

"So where is she this time?" Bobby asked.

Before Carver could answer him the front door opened and in walked Alex, carrying two bags of presents. She looked amazing. There were a few more creases in her brow, but other than that she still had her slender figure, her honey brown eyes still sparkled when she smiled and her laughter still made him smile no matter how miserable he might be.

"Aunt Lexie!" the blond young man called out as he and Vicky greeted her with a hug.

"I'm just glad I made it," Alex said as she handed the bags to her sister and took the curly-headed child from her nephew. "I didn't think I was going to make it out of Chicago."

"Chicago?" Bobby asked, looking at Carver for an explanation.

"She travels a lot for her job these days. Detective Eames left NYPD at the same time you retired. She went to work for a private security firm as a consultant since retirement wasn't something she thought suited her. Apparently going home to an empty house was bad enough. She didn't want to spend all her time there."

"So she's happy, right?" Bobby asked hopefully.

"Let's find out," Carver replied, following Alex and Vicky out of the living room into the kitchen.

"So how long are you home for this time?" Vicky asked as she poured Alex a glass of wine.

"Probably until after the New Year at least." Alex took a sip of wine and sighed. "It's nice to be home for a while."

"Finally getting tired of all the traveling?"

"Not really. At least I'm never bored."

"Well, we miss having you around, sis."

Alex gave her sister a hug. "I miss you guys, too."

"So why don't you just retire for good? It's not like you need the money."

"And what do I do when I retire? Take up knitting? Bake cookies?" Alex shook her head. "I never was any good at that sort of thing. Sitting at home alone all day isn't my idea of how I want to spend my time, Vicky." She took a sip of wine. "Besides, when I'm on the road I don't have time to think about...well, I'm just too busy to think about much else except work."

"You still think about him, don't you?" Vicky asked. "That's why you feel this need to keep moving and to get out of town so much."

Alex smiled sadly. "Pathetic, isn't it?"

"Infuriating is more what I was thinking," Vicky said angrily. "I know you can't help how you feel about someone but really, Alex, you put up with so much crap from that man. How can you still care about someone who doesn't even seem to care about himself?"

Alex shrugged. "It's more complicated than that, Vicky."

Vicky rolled her eyes. "Oh please. Bobby Goren isn't that complicated. He's just bound and determined to be miserable and in the process he has absolutely ruined your life because he can't stop feeling sorry for himself."

"What?" Bobby's voice rose. "I am NOT!"

"Detective, you know they..." Carver began.

"Yes, I know! And I also know that I'm really starting to dislike Alex's sister!" Bobby grumbled.

"Don't go there, Vicky." Alex took another sip of wine. "I really just want to enjoy this Christmas and the New Year. It's been a couple of years since I was home for both."

"And again, it's all his fault!" Vicky continued, disregarding Alex's request. "If he didn't treat you so badly..."

"Vicky! Stop it. He didn't do any of it to hurt me," Alex argued.

"Whether he did it on purpose or not, he still hurt you. I would like to personally slap some sense into the man." Vicky finished her wine in one swallow.

"What did I do?" Bobby asked Carver. _I would never do anything to hurt Alex! _

"My understanding is that you broke her heart, Detective," Carver replied in a tone that indicated he wasn't pleased.

Bobby stared at Carver in disbelief. "How...what...I would never do that!" He moved towards Alex. "You know I would never..."

"Stop. I mean it," Alex warned her sister once again. "You can't be angry with someone for how they feel. You can't make someone care about you if they don't. I've accepted it and moved on."

"You haven't moved on, Alex. You've been running away," Vicky said sadly. "And quite frankly, I've always suspected he loves you, Alex. He's just too stubborn to admit it."

"Then it really doesn't do me any good to keep thinking about it, does it?" Alex said softly as she took Vicky's hand. "I appreciate your concern, sis. But getting angry doesn't really make anything better. It just makes a person bitter and I don't want to be bitter."

"Well, you're not bitter, but you have to work so hard at not being depressed, Alex. It's not fair." Vicky pulled her sister into an embrace.

"I'm hardly depressed. I have a lot of regrets and I wish things turned out differently but I'm okay."

"I guess I'm just upset that you're not here more than you could be if that arrogant jackass you called your partner weren't so..." Vicky began.

"Vicky, you have to stop saying horrible things about Bobby. You know they're not true and you know it only makes me want to argue with you."

Vicky sighed. "I'm sorry. They are true, but I don't want to argue with you."

Alex took Vicky's hand. "Come on, enough about things we can't do anything about. Let's go see what Nathan and little Lexie are up to."

The two sisters left hand in hand.

Bobby stood staring after them in dismay. _She thinks I don't care about her? How could she think that? _

"You told her yourself when you kept turning down her invitations to lunch and dinner after you left the NYPD. She wanted to keep in touch with you but you kept pushing her away. After a while she just stopped." Carver sighed. "And now it's time to move on."

Bobby didn't want to move on but before he could protest, the walls of the kitchen dissolved and he found himself standing in his living room once more. For a moment he was relieved that the evening was finally at an end. That moment was shattered when he saw a man enter from the hall and lower himself onto the sofa. It took a moment for Bobby to realize he was looking at himself. He was completely gray now and he had a full beard and mustache. He looked old. Old and tired. There were dark circles under his eyes and deep creases in his brow.

"So this is what happens to me?" he said more to himself than to Carver.

"Yes, it is. Pretty sad, don't you think?" Carver asked.

Before Bobby could answer the phone rang. And it continued to ring as Bobby watched his future-self pick up a book and ignore it. The answering machine finally picked up.

_"Hey Bobby, it's Alex. Alex Eames. I was thinking about you and thought I'd call to wish you a Merry Christmas. I know it's been a while but...I also wanted to remind you my invitation still stands. Take care." _

"Pick up the phone and call her!" Bobby yelled out of frustration. He glanced at Carver. "Yes, I know he can't hear me. But why is he so stubborn?"

Carver smiled. "That's a question you have to ask yourself, Detective."

Bobby shook his head. "No, this is not right. I would never ignore a call from Alex!"

"It's the life you chose for yourself. You had a chance to change it but you didn't." Carver pulled the collar of his black cashmere coat back up and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Well, it's been an enlightening evening, Detective. It was nice to see you again, but now it's time for me to go."

"Wait! This is like the movie, right? I can change all this, right? I mean...this is not the way I want things to turn out!" Bobby said as he grabbed Carver's arm. "Tell me I can fix this!"

Carver patted Bobby's hand sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Detective, but I really have to go now."

"But...wait!!!" Bobby called out as Carver and his future-self dissolved and he was left standing alone in his living room.

**tbc...**


	5. A Merrier Christmas

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything and Charles Dickens owns the plot. Apparently I own nothing except the crazy idea of combining the two. **

_A/N: Bobby may be stubborn but he's not stupid. Hope you enjoy the final chapter and have a very Merry Christmas! Thanks to gorengal for the beta and for the suggestions that led to a much better ending than I came up with on my own. _

**A Merrier Christmas**

The ringing of the phone roused Bobby from his nightmare. He turned over to reach for the phone and rolled right out of bed, tangled up in his sheets.

"Damn it!" he swore as he pulled the phone off the nightstand to answer it. "Goren," he gasped.

_"Bobby? Are you all right? You sound awful," Alex said, sounding concerned._

"Alex! Oh thank God you called back!" Bobby exclaimed. He was still upset from his long night and the vision of his bleak and lonely future.

_"Uh...called back?" Alex asked, sounding very confused. "Did I miss a call from you earlier?" she asked._

"No...I'm so sorry, Alex. I never meant to ignore you like that! I was just...I never stopped to think...I thought it was just pity! And your sister is wrong! I don't _want_ to be miserable. Please don't...I mean you shouldn't have to spend the holidays away from your family just because of my stupidity. It's just...I never had a good Christmas...except with you that one year and...I thought that was just...I was there and you felt sorry for me. I can't stand pity...especially not...well, I just didn't know anything. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry! Please, please forgive me for ignoring you all those years," Bobby blurted in an uncontrollable rant.

_"I have no idea what you're talking about, Bobby. I was just calling to wish you a Merry Christmas and to try one more time to get you to come with me to my..." Alex began. _

"Yes!" Bobby replied immediately. "I'd love to go with you to your parent's house."_Unless you're now afraid I really am an idiot or that I've lost completely lost my mind._

_"Really?" Alex sounded surprised. _

"Really. I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing today. What time are we supposed to be there?" Bobby asked.

_"One o'clock. I'll come by to get you at noon. And you better not change your mind when I get there or..." _

Bobby laughed. "Oh no, I definitely won't change my mind. I've never looked forward to anything else in my entire life."

_"All right, who the hell are you and what did you do with my partner?" Alex asked sounding very suspicious. _

"I promise I'll be here and ready to go. Really." Bobby was elated. _It's not too late! It really is just as corny as that stupid movie. Thank God._

_Okay...so I'll see you at noon," said Alex. _

"See you at noon," Bobby replied. "And Alex?"

_"Yes?" she asked, still sounding suspicious._

"Thank you for not giving up on me. See you soon." Bobby hung up the phone before his partner could ask any more questions. He carefully untangled himself from the bed sheets and blanket and went over to the window. The streets of the city were blanketed in snow. He could see people out and about on their way to spend the holiday with their loved ones. For the first time in years, he was actually looking forward to being one of them.

Smiling and humming "The Christmas Song" to himself, Bobby got the coffee started and took a quick shower. It was eight thirty so it left him a lot of time to get ready to meet Alex. After his shower he shaved, dressed and sat down in his kitchen with a cup of coffee and his cell phone. Flipping it open, he checked his recently received calls and found the number Frank called from a couple of days ago. He recalled hanging up on him at the time.

Taking a deep breath, Bobby dialed the number. After five rings he was about to hang up when there was an answer.

_"Hello?" said the familiar voice of his brother. _

"Hey Frank."

_"Bobby? What's going on?" Frank asked, sounding concerned. _

"I...I just wanted to call and...wish you a Merry Christmas, Frank. And to see if maybe we couldn't get together in the next few days."

_"But...I thought you said..." Frank began._

"Yeah, I know what I said," Bobby admitted regretfully. "Look, Frank, I'm sorry I couldn't accept your apology when you called. I was just...I couldn't get over my resentment. When you didn't show up at mom's funeral, I just wanted to write you off for good."

_"And now?" Frank asked. _

"To be honest, I don't know. But it's Christmas and...you and I...we're all that's left, Frank. I know it's not going to fix everything but...but I'd like to get together with you and maybe we can catch up with each other."

_"Ah...yeah...I mean...wow, Bobby. I thought I really blew it with you this time, you know? I just got so depressed..." Frank began. _

"It's okay, Frank. We can talk about that maybe this weekend?" Bobby asked, hoping he wasn't going to be disappointed.

_"Yeah, sure. I'd like that. I...I actually have plans for today that don't include me getting drunk or high, believe it or not."_

"I believe you, Frank," Bobby replied, hoping the scene he witnessed at the church with Frank helping serve the homeless wasn't just a dream.

_"Thanks, Bobby. It means a lot to me. I know I haven't been much of a brother to you but I want to be," Frank said, sounding sincere._

"Yeah, Frank, I know. Can I reach you at this number this weekend?" Bobby asked.

_"Yeah, I'm free all weekend. I go to church on Sunday mornings but other than that I can meet you anytime." _

"Great, I'll call you Saturday morning. Maybe we can have lunch?"

_"Sounds good, Bobby. I really appreciate...well, everything." _

"Merry Christmas, Frank."

_"Merry Christmas, Bobby." _

Bobby hung up the phone and checked the time. Alex would pick him up in two and a half hours. He smiled at the thought and took another sip of his coffee. He had one more phone call to make.

As he waited for Logan to answer, he wondered if perhaps that episode at the bar hadn't been a dream as well. Before he could hang up, Logan answered.

_"Logan," came the terse reply. _

"Hung over a bit there, buddy?" Bobby asked, attempting to sound sympathetic.

_"Goren? What? Is this payback for my dragging you out in the middle of the night?" _

Bobby sighed with relief. _At least that part was real._ "I was just calling to check on you. The payback part is just an added plus."

_"Thanks a lot, Goren. You're a real pal." Logan groused._

"I also wanted to thank you," Bobby said. There was a long silence at the other end of the line. "Logan? You still there?"

_"Ah, yeah. I was just hallucinating for a moment. It sounded like you were thanking me," Logan said dubiously._

"I am thanking you, Logan," Bobby said sincerely.

_"You're thanking me for dragging your ass out of bed to have some fetus of a bartender assume you're my gay lover? You need help, my friend." _

Bobby chuckled. "No, I want to kick your ass for dragging me out of bed and I'd say your embarrassment was worth the erroneous assumption on the part of that 'fetus' that you and I are gay. But I do want to thank you for reminding me that I still have options."

_"If you tell me you've decided you're gay I'm NOT interested." Logan began, sounding even more confused than he was before._

Bobby laughed. "No, I'm NOT gay, but if I were I certainly wouldn't be attracted to you."

_"Why not?" Logan asked indignantly. "On second thought, never mind. So why are you calling me again?"  
_

"I wanted to thank you for reminding me that I do have Eames in my life," Bobby explained, trying not to laugh at Logan's confusion. "And I thought I'd let you know I am taking your advice."

_"You're desperate if you're listening to my advice, Goren." _

"You're probably right. But I think you should consider taking your own advice, Logan."

_"Eames didn't invite me to her family Christmas," Logan replied sarcastically._

"Very funny, Logan. I meant Tanya. I'm sure you don't have to trick her into spending time with you if she invited you to her family's Christmas Eve dinner."

_Logan sighed. "No, I'm sure I don't have to trick her into spending time with me. I just...I don't know if she's the one, you know?"_

"You won't know if you don't spend more time with her."

_"Since when did you turn into Dear Abby?"_

"Since I got some good advice from a friend and a lesson from two captains and an ADA."

_"Goren, are you drunk?" _

"Never mind, Logan. Just think about it and have a Merry Christmas," Bobby said, hoping Logan wouldn't be as stubborn as he had been.

_"Yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas."_

"Just think about it," Bobby repeated.

_"I said yeah," Logan said. "And Goren..." _

"Yeah?"

_"It's good you're spending Christmas with Eames." Logan sounded genuinely pleased. "And...ah...well, thanks for calling."_

"You're welcome," Bobby said. He hung up the phone and finished his coffee. He still had an errand to run before Alex came to pick him up.

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Bobby was waiting in front of his apartment building when Alex drove up. He smiled at the look of relief on her face. "Didn't think I was gonna be here?" he asked as he settled into the passenger seat.

Alex shrugged. "You weren't exactly eager to join me last night."

"I did say I'd think about it and I did," Bobby replied with a smile. He turned to put a large shopping bag in the back seat.

"What's that?" Alex asked, glancing at the bag as she pulled back out into the traffic.

"Didn't want to show up empty handed. I got a couple of bottles of wine and some flowers for your mom."

"You didn't have to do that, Bobby."

"I wanted to. It is Christmas."

Alex glanced suspiciously at her partner. "Did you do something I'm going to be really upset about?"

Bobby chuckled. "No. At least not anything that I know of."

"So you just decided out of the blue to accept my invitation?" Alex asked, still sounding suspicious.

"Gee, Alex, you sound like you don't want me to come along after all."

"No! I'm thrill...ah...I'm glad you agreed to come with me. I just...it's a bit surprising given your previous attitude," Alex replied.

"Logan helped me change my mind," Bobby said.

"Logan?" Alex furrowed her brow. "When did you see him?"

Bobby chuckled and told her about his adventure with Logan at Peter J's. Alex laughed out loud at Logan's reaction to the bartender assuming he was gay. She smiled when Bobby finally got around to telling her Logan's advice that Bobby take her up on her offer to spend Christmas with her and her family.

"So I guess Logan isn't as big a pain in ass as I thought," she said.

"You don't have to go that far," Bobby joked. "But yeah, Logan's a soft-hearted guy after all."

When they arrived at the home of John and Elizabeth Eames Bobby felt a little self-conscious as what seemed like the entire household came out to greet them. Half of them swarmed Alex's car and helped her get the presents from the trunk while the other half hugged her and Bobby as well.

"It's nice to see you again, Bobby," Vicky said as she gave him a hug. "We're so glad you could make it. You wouldn't believe how upset Alex was when..."

"Vicky! Come help me with these," Alex interrupted, giving her sister a warning look.

Vicky chuckled as she grabbed the presents Alex shoved in her arms. "We'll talk later," she whispered conspiratorially to Bobby as she headed back into the house.

"My sister is a drama queen. Whatever she says is exaggerated ten times." Alex closed the trunk of her car.

Bobby smiled as he followed Alex into the house.

As the day progressed, Bobby found himself once again enjoying the more personal side of his partner. She laughed, hugged people and didn't seem to have an urge to withdraw from everyone as she had in his dream last night. At one point the two were caught standing under some mistletoe by one of her nieces. They kissed each other awkwardly on the cheek after loud encouragement by the entire Eames clan. They both blushed and separated for a short time feeling a little embarrassed by the attention.

Bobby eventually found Alex as she closed the door to the guest room after putting her nephew down for his nap.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" she asked him. "The family hasn't worn you down?"

Bobby laughed softly and shook his head. "No, it's fine. In fact...I'm actually having fun."

"Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better? I mean, my family can get to be a bit much for me and I grew up with them." Alex joked.

"You've got a great family, Alex." Bobby smiled. "Thanks for inviting me and not...not giving up on me."

Alex smiled. "I'm just as stubborn as you are, you know."

"Thank God for that," Bobby said leaning against the wall in the narrow hallway. "If it weren't for you I'd be alone and miserable."

"So what exactly did Logan say that changed your mind? You don't usually take advice that contradicts what you've already decided." Alex smirked.

Bobby shrugged. "He had a little help from Charles Dickens."

Alex looked skeptical. "Charles Dickens? Does Logan even know who Charles Dickens is?"

Bobby chuckled. "Come on, even Logan knows Charles Dickens."

"Well, whatever he did, I'm glad you're here, Bobby.

"I finally realized that Christmas is a time for family and loved ones. And the only happy Christmas I've ever had was the one I spent with your family." Bobby smiled. "I...I'm going to be spending some time with Frank later this week, too."

"Frank? As in your brother? Do you even know where he is?" Alex asked.

Bobby nodded. "Yeah, he called me a couple of weeks ago. I...I hung up on him at the time. His not showing up at our mother's funeral made me so angry. I didn't want anything to do with him. I thought he was...just hitting me up for money or something."

"And was he?"

"No, he wasn't. He actually said he's back at church and he's...well, I think he's volunteering at a soup kitchen."

"Are you sure he's volunteering and not...getting a handout?" Alex asked gently.

"Pretty sure. He sounded like he's back on his feet...for now." Bobby sighed. "I know he's probably going to fall off the wagon again but I...I really want to keep in touch with him. He's the only family I have left."

Alex took Bobby's hand. "You're a good man, Bobby Goren." She smiled and pulled him into an embrace. "And you're welcome to share my family anytime."

Bobby chuckled and held her close. "So, what are you doing for New Year's?"

**The End **

_A/N: Well, that's all folks! Promise to return to Defining Moments and A Charmed Life soon. Yeah, I know I promised that before but I do mean it this time. No new episodes upcoming will definitely help that situation a lot. ;) _


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